Lent
Today is the last day of February. It has been a bit of a difficult month for me, because my organisation strategies seemed to fall apart. So for a while I felt very discouraged and began to think there was no hope for me to ever get organised, because I couldn’t stick at it. But then I analysed it logically, and realised that there was a simple explanation.
I analysed it as follows: December was a relatively easy month to be organised, because all I was concentrating on was organisational strategies. My whole focus was becoming organised, and I even had the external structure of Advent which I chose to use for this purpose. January was a bit harder, but still okay. In January I had started my Open University course, so I was working at applying my strategies to study. I had two things to concentrate on: organisational strategies and studying an OU course. Then in February I registered for a second OU course, and also started working several shifts a week. And thus I had four things to concentrate on: organisational strategies, first OU course, second OU course and work. Not to mention the new physical exercise thing I decided to do, where I walk to work and back (and which is quite tiring at first, since I’d been pretty inactive at first, so walking 4 miles to work and 4 miles home takes a bit of getting used to). So February had a steep increase in the number of things I had to focus on.
Well, once I’d realised that was the reason for February being a bit of a failure month, I felt better, because that this made sense, and in fact is the reason for me having a year out, so that I can deal with this very inability to multitask. So I realised my next task is to learn how to juggle these four things effectively. And then I remembered that Lent was about to start, which made me very happy, because that gives me an external structure again – a time frame in which I can devote myself to a particular goal.
I realise, by the way, that my reasons for observing Lent are not those of most Christians. I don’t like to say that I don’t do it for Christian reasons, because my way of viewing life is that God is in all I do and should be a motivating factor for everything in my life. For instance, I go to work and I seek to serve God at work. I study and I seek to serve God in study. I seek for God to be in all I do, because to me this is the point of being a Christian – being in constant union with God. I don’t really see a separation between ‘God activities’ and ’secular activities’. But I realise that many Christians do, and so for them, work or study would be secular activities, whereas Lent would be a God activity. And they do Lent so that they may share in the sufferings of Christ. I don’t do Lent for this reason. I don’t understand that reason. How I see it is that Christ came to earth as a human that he may share in our sufferings. We already suffer – it’s part of the human condition. To purposely decide to suffer in a new way seems pointless. Besides, if Christ suffered in order to share in our sufferings, it seems to be a bit redundant if we then add extra sufferings in order to share his – and kind of like we’re competing in suffering. And his suffering was the ultimate suffering anyway, which none of us could share. So I don’t do Lent to suffer. I do it to help me focus my life and gain discipline. And I don’t see that as separate from God, because surely I am more effective in serving him if I am able to focus and be disciplined. So that is why I do Lent.
Anyway, here is what I have decided for Lent. I will devote it to trying to juggle these four areas of organisation skills, first OU course, second OU course and work. I thought at first that I’d better make that five, and add spiritual life, but then I realised that doesn’t really fit with my view that God is part of everything. I know that a lot of organisation books have mind maps of areas of your life, and they include many things that I haven’t included, such as spiritual, social, health, financial, etc. But I’m not adding those, because spiritual should underpin everything, social I am not particularly interested in doing regularly right now (and I am with people at work, so I’m not a complete hermit), and health seems to be taking care of itself in that I am walking to work and back, which is having a very good effect on me. As for financial, well, that is very easy to do, because I simply just don’t spend money on anything unnecessary. If I don’t have the money, I don’t spend it. Actually, finances have become an interesting hobby for me, and I like to analyse it all as I walk to work, and work out the very smallest amount of money I can live off. I like being frugal, and this helps give me a sense of control over my life, which helps me feel more organised.
Anyway, another thing I am doing for Lent is that I am restricting my internet time very strictly. I will only go online from 9:00pm to 11:00pm. A lot of days this works out that I can only go online for quarter of an hour, because if I finish my shift at 9:30pm and walk four miles home, then I get home beteween 10:30pm and 10:45pm. But I planned it this way on purpose, because I do not even want to be online for two hours a day. This is not a self-denial thing. I actually find myself feeling depressed and frustrated from spending too much time online, so this is very freeing for me. But it’s something I will only do with the external motivation of Lent. However, this internet restriction does not include writing of blog entries. I write my blog entries offline, when my laptop is not connected to the internet. I like writing blog entries and I do not see it as a waste of time, because it really helps me process and centre my thoughts, and sometimes it can be useful for those who read too.
Another thing I’m doing to help me organise my life is to use my diary more creatively. I have a page-a-day diary. At first I was simply dividing each day into forty-minute segments and then getting discouraged when I didn’t use each segment in a productive way. Now I write different things I do in different colours on the page, and draw boxes around them, so I can see what I’ve achieved. I also write down how much money I’ve spent, if I spend money, and how much money I have earnt, on the days when I get my payslip. And I write down my gas and electricity readings each day, to see how much I am using per day. I try to use less than £1 of each per day. One thing I want to buy is a digital camera, so I will work some extra shifts at some point to buy one, and then I will take a photo of a diary page and post it to show how I am organising my days.
Well, I wrote this earlier, and now I have returned home from work and it’s 10:45pm, and I’m about to post this. A frustration with my work and trying to be healthy is that sometimes they work against each other. My job can be very hard physical work and potentially harmful for your back. Had a very frustrating shift, where we were expected to move a couple of clients who can’t consistently weight-bear, which means they can at any minute put all their weight on a staff member and hurt them. Really, they needed a hoist to move them. But the manager wouldn’t let us use hoists – she insisted that these clients could walk because they had walked a few steps the other day. So she thought they were somehow being ‘bad’ – which is daft, because these clients have had strokes and are paralysed on one side of their body, which obviously makes walking really hard for them. And naturally they are exhausted. Sometimes they can move a few steps very hesitantly and with lots of effort, but often it’s too exhausting for them. The manager told us to be ‘firm’ with these clients, because they were just ‘playing up’. In fact, with one woman, she went in and yelled at her, telling her that if she didn’t stand up then she’d have to stay in wet knickers all day. And this poor woman has a look of constant anxiety and sometimes terror on her face when we have to move her. I hate this – I do not believe in being firm to make her do something she’s too exhausted to do, and which scares her, because she knows she could fall, and scares me, because if she falls on me she’ll hurt me as well as herself. So I have decided I won’t work any more shifts in this care home while these clients are there. Which potentially means less work for me. But I will trust God for enough work. And now it’s 10:59, so I have to post this right now!
Fineline, thanks for this. I am finding your account of your journey very helpful and inspiring. I can relate to a lot of what you say and how you feel. I just couldn’t express it so well.
You wrote:
“So I don’t do Lent to suffer. I do it to help me focus my life and gain discipline. And I don’t see that as separate from God, because surely I am more effective in serving him if I am able to focus and be disciplined.”
You have expressed exactly what I am doing this Lent! For years now I have been working at a Rule of Life based on the Rule of Benedict. Yet at first I thought a ROL was the last thing I needed or wanted!
I’ve been a bit sidetracked in recent years and I felt Lent this year was the right time to get back on track. As you say, it provides a helpful structure.
And when I thought about it, it wasn’t about so called ’spiritual’ things like more prayer. It was about getting up early, getting things done, having a proper structure to the day.
Also, dieting which could be a form of fasting I suppose.
I am hoping that at the end of Lent I can relax somethings but will have good habits to carry on with.
It’s early days but so far I feel much better in myself and about myself. The bad habits weren’t providing any real satisfaction.
I am sorry to hear about the harshness of the care home manager. My father is in a home. It is very well run, but we do worry sometimes about his vulnerability to this sort of treatment. It would be very difficult for us to know if it was happening.
I think you are right to try not to work there if you are made to carry out these cruel policies. I do pray that you do not suffer any personal disadvantage as a result.
I have noticed that the big difference between you and so many others is that you aren’t expecting everyone else and the world to change to suit you. You are working on adapting yourself so you can function more happily within the the world you find yourself in.
I read your recent blog on St Pixels on self pity and was very struck by it. Something I need to work on!
Thanks Fineline,
Many blessings to you.
Mazza
Comment by mazza — March 1, 2009 @ 5:10 am
I’ve just had a thought. There are health and safety implications to the refusal to let staff use a hoist.
One way of dealing with the situation if it arises again might be to sidestep the confrontation by stating that you feel there is a personal risk to your own safety if you cannot use a hoist and ask for this recorded in case you are injured. And say that you will have to make a report to the agency.
The manager will then be in a very difficult position . But then she may ask the agency not to send you again!
My daughter is a nurse and a patient fractured her (daughter’s) arm by suddenly collapsing into a chair before being told she could sit.
Not sure if this helps. If not I am sure you will ignore it.
Mazza
Comment by mazza — March 1, 2009 @ 6:09 am
I really liked what you said about the sufferings of Christ, and found it very liberating.
I will very much look forward to seeing the photo of your diary pages when you have a camera, because I find the way you are organising things interesting and helpful. Pen and paper seems to fulfil a different function from electronic notes. I was intrigued when going back through accounts (to look for an entry that should have been recurring from Spring 2003) how much easier I found it to search through my old account book that my electronic files: so I’ve decided to go back to that method of accounting.
I also love the challenge of seeing how little I can live on – for me it extends too to seeing how few possessions I can manage with and how little space I can take up. It stops me getting lonely by occupying my thoughts. I’d be very interested to read about some of your budgeting thoughts and strategies – I thought logging the fuel meter readings and trying to keep down to £1 a day was a brilliant idea. I don’t think I can do that one, because I don’t live alone and the others who share the house have to be considered – but I shall certainly remember it if ever I am living alone again.
Comment by Ember — March 1, 2009 @ 1:21 pm
Mazza – you’re right, and I have the right to say I feel something is a danger to my safety and so not to do it. And the moment anything is in writing, managers start to get worried. But on the whole, I enjoy working in this care home, and normally we are not expected to help someone walk who cannot weightbear, and there is a high turnover of clients, because it’s respite, so I think it’s easier for me simply not to take any more shifts there for the duration of these clients’ stay.
Ember, I did write an entry about budgeting strategies at the same time as writing this entry, but I didn’t finish it so I didn’t post it. But I’ve finished it now, so I’ll post it.
Comment by fineline — March 8, 2009 @ 2:17 pm